woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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