You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
