Can i not drive my cunt home
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
