my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
