Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
