I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
home. puking in laundry basket.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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