Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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