Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
