my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
