I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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