Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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