you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
