The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
