I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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