Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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