I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Say something about gay babies.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
