I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
