sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
