seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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