I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
