I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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