i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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