Too much gin, very little bucket
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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