the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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