Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
