I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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