Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
