oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
