I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
