I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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