Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
