remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
