i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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