Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
