I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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