She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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