My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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