Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
