Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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