Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
