Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
