i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
