I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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