He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
