i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
