Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
