I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
