I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
