he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
