he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
